The phreakhead's Favorite Jokes
When God was creating the human race, he lined up all the males on one side and all the females opposite. Then he asked, "Which of your species would like to urinate standing up?" Well, the males went crazy, shouting that they wanted to pee standing up. "Fine", says God, "Women get multiple orgasms."
What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half
mast? They're hiring.
Do you sleep on your stomach? No? Can I?
Sell crazy somewhere else, we're all stocked up here
"How's he gonna read that magazine rolled up like that? What the..." - a fly.
If a chicken and a half can lay an egg and a half in a minute and a half, how long would it take a monkey with a wooden leg to kick all the seeds out of a dill pickle?
I was always kind of scared by my mother's obsession with the 'good scissors.' It implied that somewhere in the house lurked... the evil scissors.
Love your enemies just in case your friends turn out to be a bunch of bastards. - said by R. Dickson
"I thought I had a great idea today, but it never really took off. In fact, it didn't even get on the runway. I guess you could say it exploded in the hangar." - Calvin and Hobbes
Did you hear about the newborn who was born without eyelids? The doctors circumcised him and made some new eyelids. They said, "He will be kind of cockeyed,but he will be Ok."
"Sex is like going to the gas station; sometimes you get full-service, and sometimes you have to go to self-serve."
What happens when you give Viagra to an Attorney?
He gets taller.
Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
Nice perfume, must you marinate in it?
Chaos, panic, and disorder - my work here is done
I used to wonder if eating animals was a sin. But then I realized that
God could have made animals out of anything He wanted to, and He chose
to make them out of meat. Sounds like an invitation to me.
Ethernet (n): something used to catch the etherbunny.
Mixed emotions: Watching the school burn down when your new catcher's mitt is in your desk.
Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.
A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit. - the Army's magazine of preventive maintenance.
If cars evolved at the same rate as computers, they'd cost a quarter, run for a year on a half-gallon of gas, and crash once a day, killing everyone inside.
If engineers built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, the first woodpecker to come along would destroy civilization.
There is an old saying that if a million monkeys typed on a million keyboards for a million years, eventually all the works of Shakespeare would be produced. Now, thanks to Usenet, we know this is not true.
What happens if a big asteroid hits the Earth? Judging from realistic simulations involving a sledge hammer and a common laboratory frog, we can assume it will be pretty bad. - Dave Barry
When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet, and when toast is dropped, it always lands with the buttered side facing down. I propose to strap buttered toast to the back of a cat. The two will hover, spinning inches above the ground. With a giant buttered cat array, a high-speed monorail could easily link New York with Chicago.
Einstein never accepted quantum mechanics because of this element of chance and uncertainty. He said: God does not play dice. It seems that Einstein was doubly wrong. The quantum effects of black holes suggests that not only does God play dice, He sometimes throws them where they cannot be seen. - Steven Hawking
Folklore from York University. (UK). Final philosophy exam. Question - What is courage? One student wrote 'This is' and walked out. 3 minutes into a 3 hour exam.
Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
Because not one will stop and ask for directions.
"America's one of the finest countries anyone ever stole."
-- Bobcat Goldthwait
"My husband was sound asleep and he turned to me and said 'Wind the window up!' I replied 'Why?' and having heard me he said 'Because the cat will get into the car.' Having had a successful reply, I continued the conversation with my sleeping husband. I said 'What will happen if the cat gets in the car?' He replied 'It'll get us' and the losing patience with my asking questions of him, he said in a frustrated tone 'Fine... don't wind the window up! It's open on your side and it'll get you first!' He was very embarrassed when I repeated the conversation to him the following morning! It's amazing what people dream about!" -some lady
Never have I seen a word as accurate as politics. Poly meaning many, and tic being a blood-sucking parasite.
"E=mc2" (and written underneath it) Very nice, Albert. Next time show your work.
A blonde and a brunette were talking one day.
The brunette said that her boyfriend had a slight dandruff problem but she gave him "Head and Shoulders" and it cleared it up.
The blonde asked inquisitively, "How do you give shoulders?"
Bumper Stickers:
Don't steal, the government hates competition.
FREE TIBET! (with the purchase of a 44 oz. drink).
Even though this is a stupid bumper sticker, you're squinting to read it.
Honk if you've never seen an Uzi fired from a car window!
Honk if you love Hanson. Then run into a tree.
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
I brake for No Apparent Reason.
I may be slow but I'm ahead of you!
If you can read this, I've lost my trailer.
There are two kinds of pedestrians - the quick and the dead.
They couldn't repair my brakes, so they made my horn louder.
Stuff only nerds like me understand:
Real programmers don't document. If it was hard to write, it should be hard to understand
Beta. Software undergoes beta testing shortly before it's released. Beta is Latin for 'still doesn't work.'
Computer Science: solving today's problems tomorrow.
Hidden DOS secret: add BUGS=OFF to your CONFIG.SYS
Hit any user to continue.
If your computer says: Printer out of Paper, this problem cannot be resolved by continuously clicking the 'OK' button.
It said: 'Insert disk 3...' but only 2 fit in the drive.
My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.
Mountain Dew and doughnuts... because breakfast is the most important meal of the day.
Hey! It compiles! Ship it!
Once we've got the bugs ironed out, we'll be running on flat bugs.
Software isn't released, it's allowed to escape.
All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?
Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.
Press any key to continue or any other key to quit...
A television may insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.
A)bort, R)etry, I)nfluence with large hammer.
Programmers never die: They just GOSUB without RETURN.
Don't worry. I backed it up to the RAM disk yesterday.
He who laughs last is at 300 baud.
Windows 3.1 - The best $89 solitaire game you can buy.
Windows NT: Insert wallet into Drive A: and press any key to empty.
Error #152 - Windows not found: (C)heer (P)arty (D)ance.
FreeBSD is like a Wigwam. No Windows, no Gates, and an Apache inside.
Unix is user friendly - it's just picky about it's friends.
Borg Using Windows 98 - Still Trying To Assimilate The First 1. (I Have To Reboot Half Way Through)
The truth is out there? Does anyone know the URL?
A Life? Cool! Where can I download one of those from?
14.4 modem makes you want to get out and push!
Dawn is nature's way of telling you to go to bed.
To most people solutions mean finding the answers but to chemists solutions are things that are still all mixed up...
Gravity... not just a good idea: It's the law.
Black holes were created when God divided by 0.
Star Trek:
He's DEAD, Jim. You grab his tricorder, I'll get his wallet.
Scotty is smoking the dilithium crystals again, Jim
Don't let Kirk show you what he affectionately calls the 'Captain's Log'
Star trekkin' across the Universe, boldly going forward 'cuz we can't find reverse!
Ensign Walnut approaches Dr. Crusher with caution...